kyndallrae

creating me [using words]

On Loving God

I want to want to love God
(occasionally I do not
even want that).
I am at least that many steps
removed from loving God.
Does that seem alarming
in a minister?
To me it doesn’t feel scary.
It feels honest.

It feels like God might be okay
without my perfected adoration
with a somewhat one-sided relationship.
After all I’m just me
and cannot possibly be otherwise.
After all I’m still learning
how to see God’s wide-eyed
adoration of me, so crazy
a thing to behold
that it’s hard to trust it.
I am sometimes leery of
extravagance and of
simple plain love, aren’t you?
I want to trust it;
I am at least one step
removed from faith.

But it is still faith.

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6 thoughts on “On Loving God

  1. A brother from Taize came this past year and spoke at Day Spring Baptist. What he shared really stuck with me. I didn’t know this about Taize. Their spiritual focus is entirely on being loved by God and loving God in return.

    I was struck by the language he used and the simple but profound idea that it is very difficult to just be loved by God, to experience it, feel it, soak it in and know it in your bones. Everything in us and everything we’ve been taught seems to prevent that experience and knowledge from really entering our minds.

    But then to imagine the possibility of actually loving God in return seems beyond comprehension really. That first step is so hard. We’re all a lot farther from loving God than we probably care to admit. Thanks for being honest.

    • #1 That kinda makes me miss DaySpring.

      #2 That is beautiful about Taize; I didn’t know that either. It sounds a little scary to say, “I’m not so sure I love God,” but really, it seems to me more and more to be a life-long journey, that it takes a life-time to know and return the love of God even faintly. And so, we start the first steps by admitting we neither love nor know the love. Then again, we must know it in part, already, or we wouldn’t even be talking about it.

      • I would love to visit Day Spring more but Hope Fellowship takes a lot of time and commitment. They did help us host Fernando llort, a Salvadoran artist, recently.

        Yeah, I find the more I dig into this and think critically and seriously about it, especially with non-Christians and atheists, I realize that there is some experience at the core of our faith that we can’t shake. It’s not that I fully know God’s love or that I think I can love God, but something has happened to me. I have experienced something that I can’t just dismiss. It’s hard sometimes to even quantify or explain that experience.

        I think what often happens is that experience gets crystallized, codified and quantified so it can be sold to others whether for real money (as in prosperity gospel) or as in my image of myself as a spiritual rock star and know it all.

        So, I claim something has happened to me or I wouldn’t even try to know the love of God, but I also acknowledge how little I really know or understand it. Great stuff! Thanks for sparking some good thoughts today.

  2. Enjoyed the above dialogue between you and Lucas. Wonderful insights. As a completely fumbling bumbling scraggly semi-demi-devotee, it is wonderfully comforting to read the words of your poem. I am repeatedly startled by the honesty of your words, and your willingness to share them with us – this is a compelling aspect of your ministry. Beneath the morass, I seem to have stumbled into some sense that there is God’s love at the core, and that I am loved in and with all the silly mayhem.

    • “completely fumbling bumbling scraggly semi-demi-devotee” THIS. This is what we are at our very best, of this I feel certain, and none of those descriptors diminishes the beauty, the wonder, and the adventure of it all. Nor is our worth before God diminished.

      Honesty is my new drug. ;) Or, that is to say, I am on a quest–how to become both authentically and tastefully vulnerable. Delighted to startle you, as long as it feels like a “welcome home.”

  3. Lucus, I agree. “I’ve experienced something I can’t dismiss.” But the minute I try to crystallize it, the magic disappears, I find, and I’m grasping at vapors. Good thoughts. Thanks for sharing.

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